Came really close last night

All this stuff that's been hammering through my head for so many years hit another HUGE bump in the road last night. I almost started cutting again. For anyone who is unfamiliar with what that is, it's a form of self-mutilation. I've done it for years along side the anorexia/bulimia. I stopped cutting when someone from my past intervened by calling he police and having me sent to a mental health facility  for an overnight stay back in 2008. Cutting is not a healthy thing to do, EVER. I was sitting less than 10 feet from a wood block full of knives last night and thinking of all the ways I could be cutting up my skin without ever being caught. Then I started thinking about all the diet pills and other stuff I could put in my body to drop weight rapidly. That's when I had to start questioning my motives. Who was I kidding on this stuff? I mean was it really going to make me happy to have cuts all over me or to lose weight so quickly that I would have risked going to the hospital? NO, Of course not! My current boyfriend would not have been happy to see cuts, and my 13 y/o son would be really mad at me for trying to lose weight in a dangerous manner. I am having to rethink how I see myself with nice clothes and other non food rewards.