New week, New Day

I haven't posted here in a while so I thought it would be a good thing to place a post. My more recent efforts to get better on this long winding journey of life started with a freaky dream I had thanks to some medication. I had this dream that I was being poisoned by my food. This led me to get a little paranoid and change my food habits to vegetarian. I had one slip up that left me with a splitting headache almost immediately after eating two little sausage links. The only other thing I can say that has happened is a massive detox shock that left me getting violently ill. Since Starting this vegetarian diet, I have lost a total of 14 lbs in under a month and my sugars have been lower than they have been in a while. Hopefully I can keep this up and get to being a healthier person than I have been in a long time. I owe it to myself and my son  to get healthy. 

New Week, New Thoughts

In an effort to get things pulled together for myself, I am trying to retrain my thoughts this week to making sure I eat what is good for me and think more positively. As for the man in my life, if you want to call him that...OK. I am strongly considering getting rid of him after the latest to my face lie that he has pulled, and getting on with my life. I can't wait around for a guy to get his act together and be honest with me about his actions. Plain and simple as that. I have to live life for myself and my son.

Not particularly a good day

I have pretty much been going on liquids all day with the exception of a couple of bowls of spinach. As much as I'm determined to beat the eating disorders I have, they seem to keep creeping in and get worse. The stress of my sister's upcoming wedding isn't helping since I have the pressure from my mom to lose a ton of weight before the wedding. I'm considering going on a liquid diet for a long long time to see what happens. It doesn't seem to matter anymore. The guy I'm supposed to be dating hasn't made an effort to see me since september with a lame excuse of his job hours or his mom needing him to cart her somewhere. Honestly, I'm suspecting he's married and *lying* about it. I've been burned one too many times by guys with the same excuse. Also tie in the fact that my 13 y/o is literally failing out of school and I can't find a job to save my life, things are falling apart as I know it right now.

Came really close last night

All this stuff that's been hammering through my head for so many years hit another HUGE bump in the road last night. I almost started cutting again. For anyone who is unfamiliar with what that is, it's a form of self-mutilation. I've done it for years along side the anorexia/bulimia. I stopped cutting when someone from my past intervened by calling he police and having me sent to a mental health facility  for an overnight stay back in 2008. Cutting is not a healthy thing to do, EVER. I was sitting less than 10 feet from a wood block full of knives last night and thinking of all the ways I could be cutting up my skin without ever being caught. Then I started thinking about all the diet pills and other stuff I could put in my body to drop weight rapidly. That's when I had to start questioning my motives. Who was I kidding on this stuff? I mean was it really going to make me happy to have cuts all over me or to lose weight so quickly that I would have risked going to the hospital? NO, Of course not! My current boyfriend would not have been happy to see cuts, and my 13 y/o son would be really mad at me for trying to lose weight in a dangerous manner. I am having to rethink how I see myself with nice clothes and other non food rewards.

Hello me...

We gotta talk! This is seriously important...I found an article online about the link between diabetes and eating disorders. From what I'm reading, there's the added clause of anorexia thrown into what's going on in my twisted sense of body image to boot. Please read this link if you want more info about it:
http://www.diabetes.org/living-with-diabetes/women/eating-disorders.html?__utma=1.1377199847.1326004744.1326004744.1326005821.2&__utmb=1.4.10.1326005821&__utmc=1&__utmx=-&__utmz=1.1326005821.2.2.utmcsr=WWW|utmccn=CON|utmcmd=ContentPage|utmcct=LocalOffice-ZipSearch&__utmv=-&__utmk=105422211

I am honestly afraid of myself now...I walked into a local CVS today to get food and started pricing diet pills immediately! Part of me also wants to go to a gym 6 days a week again to get tiny for my sister's wedding but I don't see myself dropping 70 lbs in 4 months as a realistic goal. This is getting to be a serious issue. My son says I don't eat enough in a day even though I think I do despite my frequent sugar crashes. This whole thing is becoming a bigger monster again. I'm not sure if I've got any control over it at this point either...

I 

feel 

so

powerless :(

Something interesting to read about plus sized models

I found this article interesting since the modeling industry seems to think that even plus sized models should be a size 6. Please read it. Someone you know may be inspired to do better for themselves :)
http://plus-model-mag.com/2012/01/plus-size-bodies-what-is-wrong-with-them-anyway/

A small intro

Hi,

If you're wondering what I mean by defying death daily it is all about this eating disorder I've had since I was pretty young. My mom is an in denial anorexic and somehow due to her morbid fears of my getting fat, I ended up with an eating disorder (bulimia) combined with suicidal thinking. BUT the good news is, I opted to get help in the way of checking myself into a hospital and I'm now in intensive therapy for everything. So, I do shake a thumb at death on a daily basis.......and work on getting up to a new day every day.